1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It’s rare.. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards. Fruit=healthy.
10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:

“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO what a ride!”

Some good tips for eating right around Christmas and New Years…

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It’s rare. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat step #3.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello!?!?!?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:

    “Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO what a ride!”

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year

• Martha’s way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

• Martha’s way #2: Use a meat baster to “squeeze” your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you’ll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.

My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.

• Martha’s way #3: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

• Martha’s way #4: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.

My way: Who cares if they crack, aren’t you going to take the shells off anyway?

• Martha’s way #5: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.

My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.

• Martha’s way #6: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover# bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.

My way: Eat at Chili’s every night and avoid cooking.

• Martha’s way #7: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won’t be any stains.

My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won’t be any leftovers.

• Martha’s way #8: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

My way: Go to the bakery. They’ll even decorate it for you.

• Martha’s way #9: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant “fix me up.”

My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that’s too damn bad.

• Martha’s way #10: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

• Martha’s way #11: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don’t do it.

• Martha’s way #12: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.

My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be “soft”?

• Martha’s way #13: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn’s natural sweetness.

My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.

• Martha’s way #14: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.

My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn’t fresh.

• Martha’s way #15: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can’t rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your# eye, and then the problem isn’t the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind.

• Martha’s way #16: Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

My way: Leftover wine? lol

• Martha’s way #17: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

• Martha’s way #18: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.

My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the antibacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.

• Martha’s way #19: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer.

* Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.

* Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.

* Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.

* Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).

My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.

You can find a wide variety of microwave ovens at Amazon.com. Here are just two of the possibilities:

1 cup butter
1 cup sugar
6 dashes lemon juice
Nuts
4 large eggs
1 teaspoon baking powder
4 cups mixed dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 or 2 bottles of whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check quality.

Select a large mixing bowl.

Check the whiskey again as it must be just right. To ensure the whiskey is of top quality, pour 1 large glass and drink fast. Repeat.

With an electric mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add 1 teaspoon thugar and beat again.

Meanwhile, check the whiskey is still top quality by crying another tup. Repeat.

Add 2 arge leggs, 2 cups fried druit and beat till high.

Sample whiskey again, checking for tonscistististicity.

Next sift 3 cups of salt – or anything, it doesn’t really matter.

Wample the shisky.

Sift half pint of lemon juice. Fold in the chopped butter and stained nuts. Add 1 babble-spoon of brown sugar, or whatever color you can find and wix mell.

Whink remaining drisky.

Grease oven and turn cake into pan to 200 degrees.

Pour eveything into the coven and bo to ged.

You can find a wide variety of electric mixers at Amazon.com. Here are just two of the possibilities:

1 Tsp. Sugar
1 or 2 Quarts of Rum
1 Cup Dried Fruit
Brown Sugar
1 Tsp. Soda
1 Cup Butter
2 Large Eggs
1 Cup Baking Powder
3 Juiced Lemons
1 Cup of Nuts

Before starting, sample rum to check quality. Good, isn’t it? Now proceed.

Select large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc.

Check rum again. It must be just right. To be sure rum is of proper quality, pour one level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat.

With electric mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add 1 seaspoon of thusar and beat again.

Meanwhile, make sure rum is still alrighty. Try another cup. Open second quart if necessary.

Add leggs, 2 cups of fried druit and beat til high. If druit gets stuck in beaters, pry loose with drewscriber.

Sample rum again, checking for tonscisticity.

Next, sift 3 cups pepper or salt (really doesn’t matter).

Sample rum.

Sift 1/2 pint lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add 1 bablespoon of brown sugar-or whatever color you can find. Wix mell. Grease oven. Turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Pour mess into boven and ake.

Check run again and bo to ged.

..ADN HALPIE HOLIGLAZE TWO YA’ALL!

Serves 6.

You can find a wide variety of electric mixers at Amazon.com. Here are just two of the possibilities:

Preheat oven to 475 degrees.

Take your mutton quarter, sized for the family, put it in a turkey pan on an oak board.

Bake for 4 hours, basting every 20 minutes with a mixture of 4 eggs, one quart of apple brandy, and two jiggers of good vodka.

Remove from oven and let sit for 10 minutes.

Throw away the mutton and eat the board.

1 elephant, medium size
2 rabbits (optional)
Gravy

Cut elephant into bite-size pieces and cover with gravy.

Cook over kerosene fire for about 4 weeks at 465 degrees.

This elephant serves 3,800 adults and 35 children.

If more are expected, two rabbits may be added.

Do this only if absolute necessary, as most people do not like to find a hare in their stew.